Xanders Journal
by Big-G
Summary: After seven years Buffy finally discovers she has feelings for Xander but just as she tells him tradegy strikes. Complete Final chapter posted
1. Xanders Journal Prolouge

Disclaimer - I own nothing except the story, all the characters, names and places belong to Joss, I am not getting paid for this.  
  
Big G  
  
Prologue  
  
Everyone remembers there first love the moment that you first meet whether it was across a crowded bat or in a library. You know what I'm talking about when they look at you, your eyes meet and the light seems to dim and there are only two people in the room, you and them. Then the moment passes and the sound and people come rushing back. For me that moment was at school and it well lets just say it was an unforgettable moment. Just as the perfect moment ended I slammed into a rail and landed on my butt and yes, as you have probably all ready guessed she noticed. I'm sure you have had one of these moments when you wish that the ground would open up and swallow you whole, but it never does and to make it worse my best friend was standing behind me laughing. Then just to top it all off when she came over and asked if I was okay instead of saying yes, I'm fine, nice to meet you, my brain went dead and instead I said can I have you. As you can imagine that kind of ruined the chance of a good first impression, well so much for boy meets girl, and as it turns out this girl was kind of special. Yeah I know what you are going to say everyone thinks the main women in his life is special. Well, as it turned out, she was. She had a very unusual calling, she hunted the creatures of the night. For those of you out there who have not figured it out yet she hunts vampires, in fact she is the vampire slayer.  
  
What? Oh let me guess you don't believe in vampires. Well you should come to my hometown of Sunnydale it would soon change your perspective a little, but enough of this, on with the tale.  
  
As it turned out we were destined to meet and help her out. So for the next 7 years we went from school to college, met new friends, and lost some old friends but through all of it we always seemed to come back to the slaying. That's when it happened, the best and worst days in my life and they happened within hours of each other. At a time when for a brief while my life was perfect and then well to put it bluntly it sucked and then . . . well you will just have to read the rest of this to find out what happened. Anyway time for some introductions my name is Alexander LaVelle Harris, Xander to anyone who knows me and this is my story.  
There is more to come but please give me feed back  
  
Big G 


	2. Xanders Journal Chapter 1

Disclaimer - I own nothing except the story, all the characters, names and places belong to Joss, I am not getting paid for this.  
  
Big G  
Chapter One  
  
We had just helped Buffy clean out a nest of Vampires and we were heading home for the night, when an especially large and vicious vampire jumped out of a nearby tree and tried to attack us. Willow and Tara started chanting spells and Giles raised his cross bow to his shoulder and took aim. Buffy launched herself at the vampire and slammed him to the floor just as the spell that Willow and Tara had cast came screaming towards the vampire. He threw a knife at Buffy and with out thinking I threw myself at Buffy and dragged her to the side as the spell went screaming past and hit the vampire causing a large dust cloud. I was actually quite please with myself up until I felt this sharp blow to the back of my head and all the lights went out.  
  
I was unconscious for maybe three or four minutes and when I started to come around the first thing I heard was Buffy saying my name and as my vision gradually returned I saw her kneeling beside me with Willow, Tara and Giles just standing of to the side. Now in all fairness if I hadn't just been knocked on the head I might have been able to say something cool and witty like I've died and gone to heaven and I'm seeing angels. It must however be stated that I had just received a very heavy blow to the back of my head so I wasn't thinking straight and I just groaned and asked rather stupidly, I now realise, what hit me. DUH. As soon as she saw my eyes completely focus she started, and you can just guess what she said to me can't you? Something along the lines of 'you idiot what did you think you were doing' and as you might guess it just went down hill from there. Now while she was shouting at me and generally telling me off I noticed Giles, Willow and Tara slink out of range. But that's not what caught my attention, as I was expecting this to go on for a while I kind of let my mind wander, and then with a start I noticed she had stopped talking. When I looked at her she had a strange look on her face, she was looking at me as if she had never seen me before. Then what she did next shocked the hell out of me and probably her as well. She leaned over and gave me one of the longest and sweetest kisses I have ever had. I realise that this is probably a biased account of how good her lips felt kissing me, but what can I say it was incredible. After a little while Buffy pulled away quickly with a shocked expression on her face and looked like she was about to make a break for it. She stood up and started to move away when she suddenly stopped and asked Giles, Willow and Tara if they would mind giving us a moment. So they decided that they would go and sit on a bench about 200 meters facing the other way. As soon as they left Buffy turned to me and asked me to hear her out before I said anything. When I nodded my head she seemed relieved and she started to talk about her feelings for me and how they had changed over the past 3 months, and how she had gradually fallen in love with me.  
  
To say I was shocked would be an understatement, in fact when she finished telling me how she felt I didn't know what to say. For years I have been waiting for her to say those words to me now to have everything I have ever wanted right before me was kind of scary. And as usual in this type of situation the cool words and phrases that I had rehearsed over and over again in my head deserted me leaving foot in mouth guy in control of me. I was wondering how to say what I wanted to but I just couldn't seem to get the words out. And then to my surprise she leaned over and told me she already knew how I felt. She then she sat on my knee leaned in to my arms and pulled my head down for the worlds best ever kiss, and if I could bottle this feeling, I would be a billionaire in days.  
There is more to come but please give me feed back  
  
Big G 


	3. Xanders Journal Chapter 2

Disclaimer - I own everything its all mine - anyway, actually I own nothing except the story.  
  
Sorry about the delay but the complete chapter two is now up  
  
Big - G  
  
Chapter Two  
  
As I kissed Buffy a little voice in the back of my head shouted gruffly. 'You fuck this up Harris and its your ass, you hear me boy?' I would have responded to the voice but for the fact that I was busy at the moment so I gave a non-verbal response and that seemed to be enough because I sensed a wave of approval coming from some an unknown source inside my head. As I was about to lose myself in Buffy we both heard a polite cough and a red faced Giles suggested that it might be wise if we moved to a different location. The first thought out of my head was go away you interfering tweed wearing bastard, but as Buffy stood up and my brain started to fire on all cylinders, I started to worry that this had all been a fluke, and I started to get anxious. Now I'm not sure what happened next, whether Willow noticed something and said something to Buffy, or Buffy noticed that I was starting to look anxious and worried. She walked over to me put her arms around me and told me not to worry because she was in love with me and she meant what she had said and that I was to stop being silly. She looked at me and told me that we needed to talk as she said that I flinched she just smiled told me no to worry and then leaned in and gave my a little kiss full of love and promise.  
  
We had just left the graveyard and were heading home when we heard a scream and before I knew what was happening we were running towards the source of the scream. As usual Buffy was out in front running as fast as she could. We were all heading down past the cinema when Buffy seemed to run into a barrier of green light and she seemed to freeze for a few seconds and then she simply dropped to the floor. I must admit I ran faster than I have ever ran before and as I was half way to Buffy I was overtaken Giles who, much to my disgust, got to Buffy a good twenty seconds before me. By the time I got to Buffy, Giles was picking her up, I asked if she was okay. Giles looked at me and said that we should probably get her back to the magic box until she recovered. I was about to ask why, when Willow answered my question by telling me that after the previous owners had all died they had decided that the magic box needed some protection. She turned to Giles and told him that her and Tara has just finished adding the last protection spell that afternoon and all Giles would need to do would be to activate the spells and the shop would be protected. After about a while Giles looked like he was getting tired so I told him to let me carry Buffy. He looked like he was going to argue then stopped himself and passed Buffy over to me with a small smile of approval on his face. As we entered the magic box I saw Willow point towards the wall next to the shop where two crystals were embedded in the wall. She told Giles to touch the top one and keep his hand there until it changed colour. He looked a little dubious but he eventually touched the crystal and kept his hand there until in changed colour as soon as it changed colour a slight orange glow seemed to bath the walls and the just as suddenly it was gone. Willow told him that the protection spell was now in place and this area was now protected indefinitely. She then pointed to the second spell and said we added that second spell to boost the power of the first spell. As Giles touched the second crystal the walls started to glow orange at first and then the colour gradually changed to gold.  
  
Just as I heard Giles and Willow finish talking I put Buffy down on the sofa in the training room I covered her with my coat. I stood I must have stood looking at her for 10 minutes, as I was watching this weird symbol appeared on her head and started to glow with a green light. I walked out to see Giles, Willow and Tara looking at a rather large and old looking book and arguing. They all looked up and the room went quiet as I entered and Giles gestured for me to sit in the chair nearest him, as I sat down he looked at me and then asked me how Buffy was and if she was awake yet.  
I looked at him and then said that she looked okay but she was still not awake yet and a strange symbol has appeared on her head. As I said this he suddenly looked at the book again. As he started reading the book his faced went white. He then showed the book to Willow & Tara and they both just stood there looking worried after a little while he seemed to get control of himself and he just nodded his head as if I had just confirmed what he was thinking. He looked at me and said we have been talking about what type of spell it was that struck Buffy. We think we know what spell it was, we also know what spell to use to reverse the first spell unfortunately there are differing opinions of which version of this spell we should use to reverse the spell that hit Buffy.  
  
I looked at Giles and Willow, as I was about to ask him a question about the spell. Giles turned to me and said "The spell that hit Buffy is a rather nasty little spell that is designed to drain the strength of anyone its cast at and eventually kill them, in Buffy's case the spell would take longer." I looked at Giles and he must have known what I was about to ask as he said "It usually the takes 1-hour to kill the person its cast at." He looked at Willow and Tara then back at me "In Buffy's case it should take hours maybe a day but no more." Tara glanced down at the book and then back at me, the reason that we were arguing was that there are two known cures for this spell. The first being the one that Willow and Giles want to do it would take less time and is a lot safer and it would cure her in about 1 hour. However she would lose her memory for the last 2 months and have no chance of getting it back. As she said this I looked at Giles and Willow and they would not meet my eyes. It must be said I was not thinking happy thoughts towards Willow and Giles at that precise moment in time. Then Tara looked at me "The spell that I want to try is unfortunately a lot more dangerous. However it would block Buffy's memories for about 4 weeks but," she said raising her hand to stop me speaking. "It would completely reverse the spell and return her memories to her." I looked at Tara "Why do I hear a big but at the end of that sentence?" She looked at me " I won't lie to you. She won't remember anything from the last 3 months for the next three weeks and there is a chance that she could lose her memory for the last three to four months completely." I looked at Giles and was about to say something when we heard Buffy's voice asking what happened. I was off my seat and by her side before she had finished speaking. As I helped her to a seat she looked at my face and then asked Giles what happened to her, and why I had expression on my face, like I had just been kicked in the head several times. Giles looked at Willow and gestured for her to give him the book back. As he was about to tell her what happened to her and explain about the spell, I stood up when they all looked at me I grimaced "Sorry guys I don't want to hear this again and I'll be in the training room when your finished." As I was walking towards the back of the room I felt her eyes follow me the whole way. As I left the room I heard Giles and Willow telling Buffy what had happened.  
  
As I sat on the couch I could still smell her perfume lingering in the air. After a while I stated to think about how much I hated living on the Hellmouth how every time I finally get anything special the Hellmouth finds a way to take away from me. Just as I finally get the one thing I have wanted the most in my life something happens and it gets taken away from me. Yeah I realise this sounds a lot like a self indulgent ramble, and yes I realise I should have been thinking about what's best for Buffy not just me, or rather us, but at that precise moment I was to busy thinking about how much my life sucked. I was sitting there lost in though when I felt someone sit down next to me. I turned my head she was sitting next to me.  
  
There was so much that I wanted to ask her but part of me didn't want to know what version of the spell she had decided on. She just sat there looking at me for a while then she said Giles told me about the spell and the different spells that can be used to counter it. She paused and looked into my eyes "I was hurt that you didn't stay with me in there when they told me what happened." I must admit when she said this I felt like pond scum. "But," she continued "I understood why you left when they told me about the spells." I looked up "Buff I don't know how to say this but part of me wants you to use the spell that is least dangerous to you even if I know that it would wipe your memory you would be safe." She was about to say something so I blurted out "But there is a part of me that wants you to use the spell even though I know it could backfire and your would loose your memory." She reached over and took my hand "I know what you thinking Xander because I have been thinking the same thing since they told me about the spells." I looked up at her, not daring to hope. She must have seen my expression because just looked at me and simply said "See you in three to four weeks Xand." As she said this I felt like jumping up and down, clicking my heels and shouting 'Yea Me.' but before I could say anything a small sigh escaped my lips and I started to smile. When she saw me smile she started to smile and it was like watching the sunrise after a long night and I fell in love with her all over again. She then told me she had spoken with Tara and she had said that the spell would block her memory for 3 to 4 weeks but it could take less time for her to get her memory back. And if I were patient and waited for her she would eventually remember everything and she wanted to know if I would wait for her.  
  
I must have looked shocked because asked me what was wrong in a worried voice. I just took her hand in mine and said "I have waited seven years for you, four weeks is not going to kill me. I would be lying if I said it was going to be easy because it won't but I will manage." She seemed surprised and then a small smile spread over her face and she lent across leaned into my arms and kissed me. It might have gone further but. Yeah you guessed it Giles. Walked in to the training room clearing his throat and saying they were ready for her. As she pulled back and stood up I looked up at Giles and said "You know G-man you're beginning to develop a rather annoying habit of interrupting when I'm trying to get my groove on." Giles looked at me and shook his head "Two things. One, how many times have I told you not to call me that infernal nickname. Two I have no desire whatsoever to see you get 'your groove on' as you so eloquently put it. Anyway, to get back to the matter in hand. Buffy, the spell is ready." She looked at me, held out her hand and told me she wanted me to be there when the spell was cast. I stood up and took her hand and together we walked into the main room.  
  
I would like to thank anyone who reviewed my fic and I would like to thank my friends and family who read through my work and checked the spelling and grammar.  
  
There will be more chapters soon but please R&R 


	4. Xanders Journal Chapter 3

Disclaimer - I own everything its all mine, mine I tell you - anyway, actually I own nothing except the story.  
  
Sorry about the delay but the complete chapter two is now up  
  
Big - G  
  
Chapter Three  
  
As I was walking home I heard footsteps behind me and I heard someone shouting my name. Now normally, if someone shouts my name I reply, but I recognised that voice. I didn't feel like talking so I started to speed up. Just then I heard an enraged shout "Alexander LeVelle Harris you stop right now, I need to talk to you." I recognised the anger and concern in her voice so I stopped and turned around and saw Willow and Tara walking towards me. I was about to turn around and start walking again, until I saw Willows face. I knew then and there that she would not leave me alone. As they got closer I saw the expression Willow and Tara's faces, Tara looked worried but Willow looked worried, nervous, scared and relieved all at once. As they walked up to me I was about to say something but Willow held up her hand, smiled at me and handed me a letter with my name on the front. I looked at the envelope and my face went white, because i recognised the writing on the envelope. It was Buffy's. As I looked up Willow said that she was told to give me that letter after the spell, by Buffy. Saying this her and Tara stepped back and gave me some space to read the letter.  
  
I looked at the envelope and for a few moments I was afraid to open the envelope. But before I realised what had happened I was opening the envelope and unfolding the letter.  
  
Dear Xander,  
  
If you are reading this, it means that the spell was a success and that Willow and Tara both decided that this letter would help you. I gave this letter to Willow and Tara telling them that they should give this to you if they thought that you were going to have trouble being by your self for the first couple of days. Well that's the speech out of the way. There was another reason I asked them to give you this letter because I wanted you to have something to help you if anything goes wrong with the spell. Well, here goes. I love you, I have realised that slowly over the last 3 months my feelings for you have changed. I must admit I was a little nervous when I decided to tell you how I felt. I asked Willow and Tara if they knew how you felt about me. Tara looked at me and told me that you had always been in love with me and that I was lucky she was in love with Willow because if she didn't have Willow she would have made a move on you along time ago. To say I was stunned would have been an understatement. I imagine that you are a little shocked as well. I never realised that two sentences could fill me with such dread and anger at the same time. I just looked at Tara and she told me to make you happy. Oops, sort babbling again. Look before I go of on another rant I want to say I love you, there I said it I love you Alexander LaVelle Harris. I want you to know that I will regain my memory and come back to you even if it takes 50 years, will you wait for me. And remember what ever happens I love you. I know you probably don't want to hear this but if anything does go wrong I want you, Willow and Tara to look after each other and Giles. Well Giles has just started to draw these creepy symbols on the floor. Hopefully I will see you in 3 to 4 weeks.  
  
Eternally yours  
  
Love Buffy  
  
As I finished reading the letter I sat down on the ground feeling more alone now than I ever had before in my life. Just as I was about to sink in to despair Willow and Tara walked over to me and silently put their arms around me. As I sat there shaking Willow leaned her head on my shoulder and said, "We're here for you, Xander." I just nodded my head, as I didn't trust myself to speak just then. I think we sat there for hours because the first little hint of sunlight was peeking over the horizon. Willow stood up and said, "We should probably get Xander home." Tara looked at me and nodded her head. As we were heading home I asked Willow where Buffy was. She looked at me smiled and said Giles was taking her home to explain things to Mrs Summers.  
  
By the time we made it back to my place I was physically drained so Willow and Tara took me through to my bedroom and made me lie down and as I drifted off to sleep I remember looking at the clock. I must have slept for hours because when I woke up and looked at the clock it said 6.30pm, I realised with shock that I had slept for over twelve hours. As I looked through the door into the living room I saw Willow and Tara asleep in each other arms on the sofa. As I pushed the door open it squeaked and I saw them both wake up and look over at me. Willow looked at me "How are you?" I looked at her and grimaced "About as well as can be expected, really." She nodded her head and said I kind of figured that you would not be okay by yourself last night. As she said this I just smiled my thanks at her and looked at the clock. I looked at the clock and said, "Have you been here all day?" Tara smiled and shook her head "We had a ten o'clock class but we came right back afterwards. We've been here ever since."  
  
Willow looked at me and said Giles was by earlier but he said he would stop by later when your awake. After they left I looked out the window at sky, then I got dressed and went into the living room. I can't remember much about the next three and a half weeks, as they were mostly a blur some days I would stay in bed and some day I would go to work. The only things that are clear is that Willow and Tara came around to see me at least twice a day and, much to my surprise, Giles turned up everyday and made sure that I was okay. I was thankful for the effort even if I had this sneaking suspicion that Willow and Tara bugged him until he said he would come and see me. So that's pretty much how my life was for almost four weeks. I did see Buffy briefly every couple of days but not for long, as I was unable to be with her for long before I started to slide back into depression. And this was my routine for close to a month until the day it changed.  
  
There is more coming soon please R&R  
  
Big - G 


	5. Xanders Journal Chapter 4

Disclaimer - I own everything its all mine, mine I tell you - anyway, actually I own nothing except the story.  
  
Sorry about the delay but the complete chapter two is now up  
  
Big - G  
  
Chapter Four  
  
Actually the day started out pretty good. Some of the days since the spell did. Little did I know I was being lulled into a false sense of security. Normally, I don't get out of bed if I even sense a day like this coming. I never trust the good days anymore, ever. But this one slipped in under my radar. It started out okay, and I figured it would stay that way. Because of Buffy or, to be more precise, because of no Buffy. I didn't have to see her today, so I felt pretty good. Which has to be the single most horrifying thought that's ever gone through my head, but it just hurts so damn much when I see her. We're not together and all of this has happened because of some bastard with too much time on his hands, and a grudge against the slayer. Anyway like I was saying it started out pretty good Willow and Tara turned up and as it was a Saturday we decide to stay into the flat and we just sat and watched old star trek re-runs. After watching television for a couple of hours Willow looked at me "So Xand, how you feeling?" I looked at Willow and said, "I am feeling better. Some days I feel almost back to normal and other days I just want to hide in my apartment and not come out again. Some times I can go for hours without thinking about her, but as soon as I think about her my mind shuts down and I'm no use to anyone." Willow was about to say something when there was a knock at the door. Tara got up and opened the door and then stepped aside and standing in the doorway was Buffy. She was standing there with a strange expression on her face and a haunted look in her eyes. And I noticed that the necklace was mostly a dark blue, almost black colour, but at the same time the edges and the centre were a clear light blue. She looked at me and asked me if she could come in I just nodded my head and she entered the apartment and at down next to Willow. She was carrying what looked to be like a book, she just looked at me for a moment the she, said read the pages I have marked and tell me what they mean. As I took the book from her I noticed that it wasn't a book but a diary. I raised my head and looked at Willow and Tara whose faces had gone white and I slowly opened the diary and began to read it to my self.  
  
As I finished reading the diary, Buffy looked at me "I need to know if what I read in that diary is true." I looked into her eyes, and as usual I was unable to speak. So I reached in to my pocket handed her the letter Willow had given me and walked into my bedroom, before I left the room I looked at her "When you have read that, I'll be in my room, if you want to talk."  
  
As I went into my room I heard Buffy taking the letter out of the envelope and as the door closed behind me I heard her start to read the letter. I was sitting on the edge of my bed wondering what was going to happen next when Willow came through the door and looked at me "Buffy wants to see you." I looked at her "How is she?" Willow just looked at me "The letter seems to have unblocked another piece of her memory." I looked at Willow "Well, what colour is the necklace now?" She looked at me and smiled "It is mostly light blue but there is still a bit of dark blue left." After she said this she told me she wanted to talk to me. So I stood up and started towards the door as I reached the door I suddenly froze and all those little doubts and fears came back to the surface. As I was considering turning around and heading towards the window and the fire escape the gruff voice started shouted again, "You do that boy and your gonna fuck up any chance of happiness you have with Buffy." I bowed my head, and spoke to that part of me hidden away " I don't think I can go out there and be rejected I don't think I could handle that." "Look son the only thing in life you can be sure of is dying, so the way I see it you have three choices. One you can go to the fire escape and leave behind any chance for happiness you have, and I will personally remind you of this fact during your daily ass kicking sessions, administered by me." "Not liking the choices so much, so far," I said to the voice. "Choice two you can hide in here and wait until she either leaves or comes looking for you and that isn't gonna do much for your chances either." "Again with the not liking the choices." I felt more than heard the amusement (and yes I do realise I am in essence talking to myself but it helps.) in the voice and the he said "Choice three you can suck it up and go out there and face what ever comes your way, now CHOOSE." I stood they're for a couple of seconds and then I looked over at a worried, and now frankly puzzled looking Willow and smiled slowly. Then I walked through the door.  
  
As I walked through the door through the door I looked at Buffy who was sitting on the couch watching me. As I got nearer to her I noticed the centre and outer edges of the jewel in the necklace were light blue, and the rest of the dark blue was gradually getting lighter. As I sat done on the couch Tara looked at me smiled and walked into my bedroom to sit with Willow. After they left there was a long uncomfortable silence that she didn't seem to want to break so I just looked at her "Buffy, Willow said you wanted to talk to me?" She looked up took a deep breath. "For the past three weeks I have been remembering many things, that I have seen myself doing but I had no memory of having done any of them. When I spoke to Giles he said it was my natural healing abilities that made my memory come back faster." She paused and looked down at her hands clenched tightly in her lap "I have also been remembering feelings that I had in the past. I decided to look in my diary and after searching for it for a couple of days I found it under my bed in an old tin." As she said this she looked at the diary and then the letter and finally she looked at me. I was to scared to say anything and she must have noticed because she smiled and said "Don't worry, while I don't have all my memories back yet, I do have enough of them to realise that my feelings for you are a lot more than just friendship." As she said this I felt a broad grin of relief cross my face and I watched as an answering grin appear on her face and just seeing that grin made me realise how much I really loved her. She looked at me and asked me what I was thinking about. I didn't feel a reply was necessary as I felt it was pretty obvious who I was thinking off, so I just nodded my head towards her and I was rewarded by watching a blush and a smile fight for control of her face. Finally the smile won and I let myself fall in to her smile. She looked at me and I decided to let everything out. So I looked in to her eyes and let every bit of love that I had for her show in my eyes. She looked shocked and was about to say something when she suddenly stopped and sat back with a scared expression on her face. As I asked her what was wrong the jewel in the necklace completely turned light blue and the clasp on the back opened and it fell to the floor. I looked at Buffy sitting on the chair and shaking and shouted for Willow and Tara to come through quickly.  
  
As I sat on the couch, I felt completely useless, not knowing what to do and shouting for Willow and Tara. They came running through the door. Tara asked me what happened but Willow just looked at the necklace on the floor and said, " The blocks in her memory have been removed." With out looking at me and Tara, Willow walked up to Buffy said a string of words in Latin, made an obscure gesture with her left hand and touched Buffy on the forehead. As soon as she touched her head Buffy stopped shaking and appeared to be sleeping. I looked at Tara and she told me that Willow had just put Buffy in a kind of sleep where her memories can be fully explored with out her going in to shock. I looked at Willow "Will, what happened?" I asked. She looked at me "The spell that was blocking Buffy's memories suddenly stopped working and when it did she started to remember everything about the last three months. And her mind was unable to cope with the stress and her system tried to compensate but couldn't and she went into shock." She was about to say something when there was a rapid banging on the door and Willow with a wave of her hand opened the door to see a very worried Giles standing there. 


	6. Xanders Journal Chapter 5

Disclaimer – I own everything its all mine, mine I tell you – anyway, actually I own nothing except the story.  
  
Sorry about the delay but new chapter is now up  
  
Big - G  
  
Chapter Five  
  
As Giles entered the room he looked at Buffy after making sure that she was okay for now, he glanced around the room and asked, "what happened " Willow looked at him and sighed "it seems that Buffy found her diary." As she said this Giles turned his head and gave her a very stern look, she hurried on before he could say anything " That I might add she never told me she had or I would have told you when you asked." He looked at her and nodded his head. "I think tomorrow morning we should take Buffy to be checked out at the hospital just to be sure" said Giles.  
  
As he was saying this I was wondering how he had arrived so quickly after Buffy went in to shock then that little gruff voice said " that's a real interesting point why don't you ask him." As Giles and Willow were putting a blanket on Buffy I looked at him " Giles " he glanced up "I was wondering how you knew Buffy was in trouble." He looked a little sheepish and glanced at Buffy then looked up with a slight smile on his face and said " I cast a couple of extra spells on Buffy after Willow and Tara left to look for you. " Willow just looked at Giles but Tara looked over at Willow and grinned "Pay up" Willow looked at Tara then shot a disgusted look at Giles she then took a bracelet of her wrist and handed it to Tara. Who smiled sweetly "told you so" As Giles was watching Willow and Tara he suddenly looked up, "Xander" when I looked at him he continued. "I was expecting Willow or Tara to comment on how fast I arrived," he paused "but I wasn't expecting you to notice as you should have had other things on your mind." As he said this both Willow and Tara both looked at each other then as one they both looked at me. As I was wondering what to say that little voice in the back of my mind started whistling "will you stop that I'm trying to think "   
  
"Sure kid I wouldn't mind hearing how your gonna get out of this one myself, with out them thinking your nuts"  
  
"Thanks" I replied dryly   
  
"Um Xander who are you talking to?" As I was about to speak that voice started laughing "so what you gonna tell them" as I was wondering the same thing myself I told him to shut up and looked at Giles "Pardon" as I looked at him with a vaguely puzzled expression on my face.   
  
For a moment it seemed to work and I was starting to relax when Willow looked at me "I know your hiding something Xander, you might as well tell us" they all stood around waiting for a few minuets "Xander don't make me bring out resolved face"  
  
I looked at Willow "just promise not to say anything until I'm finished explaining, Okay" as I was saying this I glanced around at everyone and they all nodded there heads so I walked over and sat on the table.   
  
"Okay now this is so going to make me sound like a crazy person, but for about five weeks I have been hearing a voice in my head" I paused to gauge their reactions Willow and Tara looked concerned and Giles looked like he thought I was joking. "Um Xand, what does this voice sound like" I just looked at her and she continued " I mean does it sound like your voice or is it different" I looked at her and she seemed more interested than worried. "Well it does kind of sound like me but sort of sounds more gruff and older" As I was watching everyone Giles looked like he was about to say something but thought better of it. "Well they took that better than I expected you did good kid" as I was about to rely Willow looked at me "Xander what does this voice say when it talks to you" she paused suddenly looking worried "it doesn't tell you to kill evil politicians " I just stood there and looked at her for a couple of seconds "No will, it doesn't tell me to kill evil politicians it mostly give me advise and annoys the hell out of me" Willow looked a little embarrassed and Giles was looking at her with an amused expression on his face.  
  
"Um Willow Honey" she looked at Tara "have you been drinking coffee again?  
  
Willow went bright red and stuttered " Coffee, I no coffee bad, bad coffee, coffee makes me nervous and Jittery and I don't drink it " Tara just looked at me and I smiled and walked over to Willow   
  
"Willow" she looked at me "deep breath" she just nodded her head.  
  
I was kind of hopping that with all the other stuff going on that they had forgotten all about the little voice and to tell the truth I was a little relived "Guess what kid, Giles may have been diverted for a moment but he is watching you again" I looked over at Giles and saw him watching me. Just as I was about to say something he spoke " Xander, how long has that voice been present and was this the first time it has appeared " as he spoke Willow and Tara both looked over at me and I could see the shocked and embarrassed expressions on there faces, I just shrugged "I first noticed the voice appearing just after the solider boy Incident at Halloween, it usually appears when I am either stressed or panicking, but up in till now the longest it has stayed was three hours, it seemed to find the whole Love spell fiasco very funny even if it was not much help until I was attacked by an axe" at that remark Willow blushed and started to say something "chill will, I was not trying to bring up bad memories but Giles wanted to know when the voice had popped up. It also has access to all my memories and has helped me deal with certain other things that have happened to me over the last few years" Giles looked at me "what type of things" I looked over at Giles and said "things to do with Kill me, stuff me and mount me," Giles looked confused for a moment and then smiled "Ah yes, quite the less said about that the better" I smiled and nodded my head "the voice has mostly been around when ever I am in trouble, coaching me and telling me what to do to escape and evade capture by the various nocturnal nasties that inhabit Sunnydale" as I finished speaking Giles was sitting on a chair nodding to himself and looking at me. After a moment he looked at me and "I don't think there is anything to worry about, from what you said the voice only pops up when your stressed, worried or panicking, I think the voice is just you minds way of helping you out by utilizing you Halloween memories and other such things that you have come in to contact with. The voice just puts your options out in front of you and helps you chose the right one" Willow just looked at Giles "so he is not Nuts then" I looked at Willow "Gee thanks will" Giles and Tara both seemed amused by what she had said "no Willow Xander is not nuts" he paused "although that would explain a couple of your decisions" I glanced at Giles who was trying to hide a large grin and failing miserably" I smiled and him thanks for the vote of confidence G-man" his smile vanished and a look of resignation flashed across his face " I suppose in deserved that one but how many times do I have to ask you not to call me that infernal man" I just smiled at him "I don't know G-man I could always come up with a new nick man like Ruppy or Tweed-man" as I said this Giles shook his head and scowled at me. As I was about to launch another verbal volley Willow looked at me "as much fun as it is to watch you to verbally bash each other what are you going to do about Buffy" as she said that I started to think about what has happened in the last few hours, she must have noticed something happening as her and Tara both walked over to me and hugged me "don't worry Xander we will help you work something out" As she said this a voice from across the room said "shouldn't I be in on any decision regarding that subject."  
  
Sorry about the delay on getting this chapter out I have had various commitments placed on my time and have been unable to devote as much time and effort to this project as I would have liked. Once again any feed back would be appreciated and I will try and get the next chapter out quicker than this one.  
  
Big - G 


	7. Xanders Journal Final Chapter

Disclaimer - I own everything its all mine, mine I tell you - anyway, actually I own nothing except the story.  
  
Thanks to everyone who reviewed my work, pleas keep the reviews coming  
  
Big - G  
  
Chapter Six  
  
Now its fair to say that living on the Hellmouth has made it very hard to surprise me, I would almost say I'm immune to most things, after all there is only so many times a vampire can try and kill you, or a demon or some other form of evil can try and destroy the world, before you just get bored. Then it happened, one sentence, that's all in took to turn my world upside down. "Shouldn't I be in on any decision regarding that subject." This doesn't sound like much, to anyone else it wouldn't mean much, even to Willow, Tara & Giles it only meant that Buffy was awake and seemed to be okay. However, to me it meant either that the Buffy was fine remembered everything and still wanted to see where our budding relationship took us, or she was fine remembered everything but had decided for some reason that she didn't want to pursue our relationship. So as the rest of them went over to talk to her I just stood there, unable to move. I must have remained like this for 10 or so minutes, because I heard Giles say something about going to the Magic Box to get some thing or other, I really wasn't paying attention. Then I saw Willow and Tara take Buffy in to the bedroom to make sure she was okay. After they left I just stood there wondering what I should do, I was glancing around the flat when I decided to go for a walk to clear my head but I realised that they would only worry if I just vanished so I found a piece of paper and a pen and wrote a short note.  
  
Hey Guys,  
  
I am going for a walk, I just need some time to clear my head I'll see you later,   
  
Xander  
  
I placed the note on the table and walked out the door. As I left my apartment block and started to walk down the street, I was waiting for the little voice to start shouting at me but nothing happened then after a little while the voice spoke "Listen kid, I know why you needed to clear your head, and in principle I agree with you but you are only putting of the inevitable. You two are going to need to talk at some point." I just continued walking   
  
"yeah I know" This conversation went on for quite some time before I realised where I was. I had arrived at the bronze, I was going to turn around and go home but I decided to go inside instead. I walked in to the bronze to discover the place packed but for once there was no band only a DJ I walked over and sat at a table near the back. Eventually a waitress walked over and asked me if I wanted anything I just smiled shook my head and she moved on. I was actually starting to enjoy myself when the DJ said "Okay folks this song was requested by Brian for Julie" as I was about to leave my seat and head for the door the song started and to my surprise I discovered I liked it. Okay so the only reason I like this song is because it reminded me of the film Coyote Ugly which Willow and Tara brought around I had thought that it would be a chick flick, and to some extent that's what it was, however, there was enough female flesh on display to keep me happy, and made the soppy film with a predictable ending, bearable.   
  
As I was listening to this, I was watching the dance floor and all the couples dancing to the music. I just sat there watching them dance, looking into each other eyes, bodies swaying in time with the music. As the song ended I glanced over at the DJ booth and noticed he was watching me and grinning. I was looking around the club when the DJ spoke. "Okay folks we have another special request, this next song is for Xander." as he spoke, my head snapped around to look at the DJ booth "From Buffy." He pointed to the dance floor and I saw her standing there. As I stood up the first verse of the song started   
  
"Look at this face, I know the years are showing   
  
Look at this life I still don't know where it's going.  
  
I don't know much but I know I love you.   
  
That may be all I need to know."  
  
I looked over at her and my heart was racing, she walked up to me and smiled softly. "Dance with me?" I nodded and she took my hand and led me onto the dance floor. As we swayed softly to the music I looked down at her and couldn't believe this was happening. Covertly I pinched myself on the arm, when I flinched in pain, I figured I wasn't dreaming. I looked at Buffy and she was laughing. I felt my face flush, oops guess I hadn't been as subtle as I was aiming for. She shook her head. "I'm really here Xan, your not dreaming, besides if you were, I'd probably be naked, right?" With that I laughed and she stepped closer. "Talk later, dance now." With that we started to dance, not really listening to the lyrics, but moving together to the slow beat of the music. After the song finished I felt Buffy draw back to look up at me. She smiled softly and walked over to the table I had been sat at I sat down beside her and suddenly felt really unsure of what was about to happen. Had my secret (or sometimes not so secret) hope come true, or was I about to be kicked in the teeth by fate, again. Suddenly I heard a familiar gruff voice "What are you boy? A complete chicken-shit? You now how you feel about the girl, if you want her tell her, stop acting like a wimp and move your ass!" With that ringing around my brain, I went to speak, but Buffy beat me to the punch (this time not literally). She looked at me and slowly smiled. I felt my heart both sink and melt, which made for interesting feelings. She took a deep breath and my stomach clenched with fear. "Xander, relax, breathe your gonna pass out." She grinned at me and I suddenly realised I had been sub-consciously holding my breath.   
  
"First of all, I'm back. You now have sitting here, Buffy the 100% original, accept no substitutes. And I remember everything, even the things I didn't want to remember again. But most importantly I remember you, Alexander Levelle Harris. Honourable, dependable, the original White Knight who has saved my butt more times than I can count." When Buffy mentioned White Knight, it touched a still tender nerve with me and before I could control it I flinched, luckily Buffy never noticed. "But most importantly I remembered Xander, the best friend I ever had, and the man who I love, more than you know and more than I realised." As she spoke I felt my heart drop then it started to soar and pound. I looked at her and my mouth was dry, I licked my lips. "Buffy, you know I've been in love with you since we first met, but that was a crush and unrealistic love, believing you were some hero and meant to save the world. But over these past few years my feelings have changed." I saw Buffy's face drop and sped up what I was saying before she stormed off. "They've changed because we've changed. We're no where near the kids we were, we've both had relationships with other people, that, in the end, for whatever reason, didn't work. And my feelings for you have deepened and I now love you now, not because your some mystical hero, destined to save everyone from whatever creature feature came along. But because your Buffy, someone who fights everyday to save the world for the people she loves and someone who is brave, strong and one hell of a woman. And it doesn't hurt that you could bench press a Mack truck either, or that I'll never have to struggle to open a jar." I saw Buffy laugh   
  
"So basically what your saying is you want me for my body." I looked at her and grinned.  
  
"Not entirely but it's a deal breaker I got to tell you." Buffy laughed and slapped my arm, but her eyes sparkled with a combination of laughter and something deeper. She looked at me and raised her eyebrow. "And yet you still haven't said it." I looked at her and played dumb.   
  
"What? Okay. It it it." When she raised her hand to slap me again I laughed.  
  
"Okay, okay. I, Alexander Levelle Harris, love you Elizabeth Anne Summers." Where I was expecting a kiss I got another slap. I gaped at Buffy. "I tell you I love you and you slap me?" Buffy grinned.  
  
"I thought I mentioned about the 'E' word, its forbidden, really. Never call me that." I grinned and shrugged. She lent over the table and kissed me, and my entire body went on alert, and my heart did the snoopy dance while my brain turned to mush. She looked at me slowly and smiled. "Lets go home." With that she took my hand and we walked out of the bronze.  
  
Thanks to all the people who have reviewed this story and my other works, I would like to thank my sister for the help she gave me when i was suffering from a case of last chapter writers block, from this I guess you have figured out that this is the last chapter in THIS story. There will however be a sequel and maybe more than one depending on how well this last chapter is recieved.   
  
So once again thanks for reading this story   
  
Big G 


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